Dear L,
Thank you for reaching out and sharing something so vulnerable! I can absolutely relate and understand what you're experiencing and how devastated you must be feeling! Discovering infidelity can truly turn your world upside down and inside out -- from questioning everything about your relationship, to questioning your worth and value. However, I want you to know that these feelings are completely normal after such a heartbreaking experience.
Agreeing to give the relationship another chance and rebuilding trust after the foundation of your relationship has been shaken can be challenging, but not impossible! I can’t say it’ll get better soon because the hard truth is that it won’t -- and as cliche as this sounds, it does get better with time!
Whilst the repair process is different for every couple, what I can tell you though and base on my clients experiences (coupled with my own) is that the first year up until the anniversary of the infidelity coming to light, can and will be the most challenging period to heal and repair. The good thing is, there is light at the end of the tunnel.
With patience, consistency and compassion, it is possible for you both to overcome this and co-create a happier, healthier and thriving relationship than what it was before. I'm not saying that the relationship you both were in prior wasn't -- it is however crucial to look at the conditions of your relationship for months and sometimes even years leading up to infidelity.
Look, I'm not saying this to condone your partner's behaviour or to shift the blame, but we all know that it takes two to tango. Granted what your partner did was inappropriate and one of the worst thing one can ever do to someone they love. In all honesty, this would be the best time for you to take this journey within and reflect how you were showing up in the relationship. This is what I call radical responsibility.
Perhaps there was lack of, or too rigid of boundaries established.
Perhaps there were thoughts, feelings and needs unexpressed.
Could there have been lack of communication leaving issues unresolved?
Were you both simmering in resentment from those unresolved issues?
Has similar incidences that indicate betrayal taken place before in the past?
Were there signs that you overlooked while you were dating and chosen to look past, and not address directly?
As you can see and just to list a few, there's so many questions and complexities to address after infidelity has happened, or whenever there has been any form of breach of trust. There are however a few steps that you both can take now to help rebuild the foundation of your relationship, and they are:-
- Responsibility -- Taking full accountability and radical responsibility for their behaviour. There must not be any criticism, blame, shame or deflecting at this stage.
- Remorse -- Apologizing and being remorseful of the behaviour that caused you hurt, and validating your emotions and experience.
- Resolve -- Finding resolutions together on how you both can move forward, and this could be couples therapy or online workshops.
- Repair -- Probably the most challenging stage as this will require time, patience and consistency in providing reassurance. Repairing will also require you both to dive deep into the conditions of your relationship prior, which also means you'll have to look at the dynamics of your childhood (and possibly previous relationships too) and assess if there had been any dysfunctional patterns that were showing up.
It's entirely normal to feel anger, resentment and a whole other range of emotions (also positive ones) -- and even to have fear lingering in your mind years down the road. Whilst having that fear is valid, I need you to be aware that this is eventually something you'd have to learn to manage and address, and if needed communicated should you feel the need for more reassurance.
Having said that, trust is build on truths, transparency and consistent aligned actions. This also means that in order for you both to move forward, difficult conversations need to happen such as you being honest with what you need and whether they are truly willing to meet you there.
I know this all seems overwhelming L, so please be kind and compassionate to yourself during this process -- and take one day at a time. Take this experience as an opportunity to rediscover who you are as a person and finding strength in yourself again!
Sincerely,
Diliya R.
p.s. If you both are ready to take the next step, I'd like to invite you to book a call with me here -- and together, we can explore ways to rebuild your relationship.
