Dear Lost & Scared,
Thank you for your message -- and it must be terrifying to feel like you're losing a part of yourself in the relationship. From what I gather, it sounds like you are struggling with worthiness issues and commitment issues which seems to have come up in your past relationships as well. It isn't unusual for anyone struggling with similar issues to feel anxious and freeze up as you have too!
I wish I can tell you to wait until you're ready, but in my honest opinion and experience, there really isn't the "right" time.
I can however tell you that healing your commitment issues and working on your self-image can help prepare and align you better with your partner, whether or not these issues are rooted in your childhood or your past relationships.
And of course the healing isn't going to happen overnight. Therefore, it would be wise to express to her should you feel uncomfortable with the pace of the relationship, and suggest to take things slow, or even accomplish only one couple goal at a time!
Now, I'm uncertain of your childhood experiences and the reasons as to why your past relationships ended, but there may be a chance that you might self-sabotage this relationship IF you don't lean in, embrace vulnerability and share your deepest fears with your partner.
I know it can feel really scary.
Moving in together, and getting engaged -- that's TWO big life changes!
But you see... every relationship and person that enters into our life is there to mirror back the areas within in which needs healing.
Here are 3 main practical tips you may want to try moving forward:-
- Communication
- Encourage open communication between you both where you are free to speak your mind and heart without judgment.
- Boundary Settings
- Establish healthy boundaries around personal space and discuss what a good balance of couple time is like for you both.
- Short Term Plans
- Discuss and start with small short-term plans with each other and move at a pace you are comfortable with.
Whilst I encourage open honest communication and often reiterate how important it is to express yourself, it can be helpful to be mindful of your delivery and choice of words as you don't want your partner to feel rejected either. Try these "I" statements worksheets -- they work wonders!
Having been able to identify your emotions has already given you the opportunity to understand this emotional experience better -- in other words understanding yourself, and why you are feeling the way you do in this present moment. That awareness in itself is already a big of a step as it is, and now all you've got to do is take one baby step at a time. Focusing on one small goal at a time for you and your relationship can help manage the overwhelm or anxiety of the "big picture".
With time, you'll gain more confidence and trust within yourself towards making bigger commitment, be it personal or professional.
I hope my insight and the tips above are helpful, and if you'd like more help and prompts to help you navigate through this better, have a go at my Commitment Issues Handouts!
Sincerely,
Diliya
p.s. You'll need not and will not lose yourself in a secure, healthy and thriving relationship. =)
